377. A persistent question ... The kōan that won't let go ... So which is the real Seijo? The one that bowed to the dictates of the family's patriarchal and caste ridden mentality? Or the Seijo that followed her heart's desire? Seijo's heart's desire seems to have been to marry Ōchū even though this involved going against her father's decision and secretly running after her lover. But there was more to Seijo's heart than this for she eventually returned to her father's house, if only for a visit.
Who can know their own deepest desire? Can you fathom your own heart? The Hebrew psalmist witnesses to our need for help here when he prays: 'Search me O God and know my heart, test me and know my thoughts'. Zazen opens us to such a searching, such a testing.